Dear Little Swan,
I am laying by your side as you sleep, my body mirroring your posture. I lay a hand in your hair and undo the braid I weaved with your thin golden hair – you asked it to be slightly to the left like Elsa in Frozen. You never ask for a braid and it was such a delight to sit in silence and share this weaving.
I hold your little fingers and listen to your deep breath flowing in your little belly and out through your tiny little nose.
Here, in the peaceful silence of this contemplation, I suddenly notice a pinch in my heart, a wound which feels like a cord of guilt between my heart and my belly. Tears come to my eyes as I remember where this feeling stems from.
Your heart was just beating in my womb and I was yet not prepared to be a Mother. I am sorry, my dearest Swan, for these months of stressful rushing and hard work. Sometimes in your early months in the womb, I was working under high stress up to 14 hours a day. This is how disconnected I was back then.
In my working world, back then, it was normal to be disconnected from the body, the emotions, the intuition. It was normal to work hard and harder to deliver ever increasingly challenging results. It was normal to be stuck to the emails on the laptop, on the phone, late through the night and early in the morning. You know, it sucks you in.
I felt very guilty and angry in these early months you were in the womb because I didn’t know how to manage this life I had created and protect you. I know you felt it. My belly was hard sometimes at the end of a long day. I didn’t know how to get myself out of that system of functioning and I am sorry that you had to experience this.
This is a memory which I know is encrypted in your psyche. A suffering which is living inside of you and you will not access easily with your mind. I see it sometimes in your distant gaze as you daydream. I feel it in your nervousness and your tendency for perfection and control. Please forgive me; back then, I didn’t know I was hurting you. Back then, I was disconnected from my body, my emotions and my intuition. I was driven by fear and I was lost.
My dear little Swan, I love you dearly. As I lay by your side and breathe along with you, I notice the space between us, a loving space which holds us both. I breathe in and collect all my guilt and anger. I breathe out and let go, releasing forgiveness. Deep and long breathing, many times until I feel peaceful again. Your little heart beating next to mine, fills me with gratitude.
The space is very dark now. As I continue laying, now centred in myself, I wonder which part of these thoughts are a projection of my own inner wounds, which part of what I see is really yours and which part is mine. Since you came into my life, and I thank you again and again for choosing me as your mother, my healing work has accelerated. This guilt is still present and I want to own it.
I cannot change the past and the best I can do today is leaving the past in the past so you may not find a mirror for this wound in me.
Have a good night little Swan. Sleep softly. I love you.