Dear Little Swans,
One of my deepest wish is to become for you and my loved ones a safe harbour, a place of re-sourcing and surrender, a shoulder on which you allow yourself to totally relax and rest.
I know this feeling so well that I can spot it in any instant and very rare were the occasions when you actually did rest this way in my arms. I discount the moments you were sick or had hurt yourselves and needed the protection of my loving arms. This is not the same than coming to a safe harbour to rest from a deep knowing that this is the place you want to be sheltered in love.
I am after that free encounter that says: you are a safe space and I am coming here without any need just out of pure love and any barrier. I will let all of my weight fall into your embrace.
This encounter happened on such few occasions that I recall exactly how it triggered a break in my heart and my tears poured out of disbelief.
I have realised over the years of my healing work that everyone is actually looking for this total love which is felt at all levels in our multi-layered awareness. Few know it in their conscious remembering and even fewer dare to look for it.
I can’t live without becoming this safe harbour and it means that I am not done diving into the layers of my belief : I am not lovable, it’s not safe for me to surrender.
It’s a belief, not a thought. It emanates from my energy field, the micro movements of my body. You grasp it my little Swans.
It’s actually not you who don’t surrender to me but I who don’t surrender to myself and this echoes. You have picked this with your fine antennas and I thank you for sticking to your natural response because you show me that I am not a safe harbour for myself.
Djohariah Toor puts it very nicely in her book, the Road by the River:
One of the hardest things in life is to accept ourselves as we really are. this does not mean accepting who we think we are or who we pretend to be; it means embracing the one who hides behind the mask. But most of us, men and women, have a hard time loving the fault of others, much less our own.
My dear little Swans, I have said many times: my children don’t like to be hugged, they don’t cuddle up, they are not cuddly….
Excuse me for being so judgmental and thank you for not entering into a false game of pretending. I know how hard it is for a child not to please their mother and I am grateful to myself for having allowed you the space to be yourself.
Now it’s the time to bring my projection back. It’s not that you are not cuddly. It’s that I don’t feel safe enough to hold you with the depth of love I aim for and so unconsciously, I act out this unsafe harbour.
Today, I am aware of this and I am ready to bring it back home. I am ready to go after the little girl who once felt she wasn’t lovable and allow her healing to happen. This means that now is the time to open up that box and become vulnerable. It’s the beginnning of intimacy.
One day, you too my Little Swans, will embark on your healing journey and I want you to know already that most of what you will see out there in the world that what deeply hurt you, is a projection of something inside yourself you are not owning. Remember that and do what it takes to bring it back to you.
I love you, your Mother.
Dear Reader, I look for your feedback to enrich our paths, share other views and exchange together on Motherhood. Please leave a comment and let’s reflect together.