The White Lie

Dear Little Swans,
Lying is a strange phenomenon. Universally, it is recognised as BAD and universally, we are taught through example, from young age, that we should lie in some circumstances, that some lies are not really bad while others are really really bad… And nobody really faces it.
For example, hiding our real feelings and putting on a mask of social platitude is a lie that is totally accepted and encouraged. As a child, I was invited or simply slid myself into pretending excitement and joy when I received a totally weird gift from a remote Auntie and weird gifts, I received a lot… We all learned very quickly when it’s not appropriate to say the truth because it can hurt others. It was all too confusing for a young child so I want to draw the line today with you Little Swans. I don’t ever expect you to say anything because YOU HAVE TO.
I am not expecting you to pollute your feelings and I am not encouraging it. Also, I am very proud of you my Little Swan when you spill the pot of yoghurt all over the table and floor and call me: “Maman, I made a mess!” without any shame. That’s great.
Now, you can only go as far as I can take you and today, I lied. Lately, I am becoming more and more transparent to myself and I love that I cannot hide anywhere. I dropped myself into a white lie, an insignificant lie but yet a lie.
You know wha happened? Very simple and easy story.
Yesterday, we bought that frame at the Depot. Remember? It was a large one and it’s quite a hassle, as you know my Little Swans, to take the car to that depot with both of you and drag you around. As we got home, it was broken and I know very well that it broke on the way and most probably because I didn’t store it well. it wasn’t broken when we bought it.
So very simply said: it was my responsibility. But you see Little Swans, I just didn’t want to accept that I had done all this effort and paid for that frame for it to end in the garbage.
So today, I called the Depot and explained the situation and I heard myself dropping: “ I have no idea how this happened. It must have happened on the way”. You see, that was a lie. And I said that because I knew it would play in my favour… and it did: the lady asked me to come and we would see together.
I was not ready to accept the consequences of my carelessness. That’s why I dropped that line.
As I was driving back, this became very clear to me. And I realised how subtle a lie can be. How we can then enter into justifications to defend our position, as if it was OK to lie, as if I deserved it because I had done an effort and paid for it and I didn’t want not to be productive…
As I got into the Depot, the lady was waiting for me and she was already preparing the exchange. I apologised for causing the trouble and I also wanted to thank her for helping me out despite my lie! Her gaze told me that it was no big deal, shit happens…That was kind of her.
Today, Little Swans, I made the commitment to myself that there is no room for White Lies if I want to be who I aim to be. And you know why?
If I cannot accept the consequences, the little pain of my own carelessness by lying myself out, then I will never be able to stand up to greater pains; I will never be able to hold a larger space for myself and you Little Swans. The great rocks in our lives are always held by small pebbles. Accepting the pain of wasted time and money because of my own carelessness even, if I think it was not fair that it happened, is worth a broken frame, because it teaches me to be consequential and this opens the possibility for a much greater relationship to life.
Now I understand that phrase my spiritual teacher told me once: There is no such thing as a white lie.
Please remember this Little Swans.
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